I am so tired of having no idea where i come from. everything beyond my parents and siblings is a complete mystery.   other people may think i’m over reacting or its not that deep but you haven’t lived it.  You have pictures of your great grandma and your great great grandma, and all kinds of greats, and you have family trees framed hanging in your hallways and geneologies and you can say your kids have your grandmothers eyes or lips.  You have a culture, you know the language and the name origins and the family crests, and the clans and tribes and villages.  I have a name. One name and one picture.  thats it.  I see all the other mixed girls with a black dad and a white mom, the normal half and half splits with the pretty curly hair and tan skin and they’re beautiful dont get me wrong but they are alike. they belong. then there’s me and my siblings. why dont we look like anyone else? there were never barbies that looked like me. there were never people like me on cereal boxes or cartoons and i’m still looking for people like me.  Which is hard because i don’t even know what i am.  I’m tired of people asking me what my ethnicity is and having to think and formulate a response.  I thought it would get better as i got older but it isn’t.  I honestly truly feel like a huge part of me is missing and i don’t belong anywhere.  I have a whole family out there spread out over multiple continents that i’ve never met or seen or spoken to.  On my dad’s side they’re half a world away.  on my moms side they could be in egypt or down the street for all i know.  I’m tired of being an “other.” I’m tired of not having a “primary racial background” and being ambiguous.  If you think race doesnt matter you’re being naively idealistic. unfortunately it does, especially if  you don’t have one. i am an alien with no history and no culture and no blood relatives. i’ve never felt so weird before.

i trick myself into thinking that my personal pics are pretty

so i should put them on tumblr.

then i see all the pretty white not fat thigh-gap having girls on tumblr

LOL NEVERMIND BYE WORLD